I think this one looks better. The fact that it can go that fast is a good sign. I’m sure it feels a little out of control, but I’d bet you could (slightly) slow it down to where you can do accents. You can play (on one string) melodies where the notes of the fret hand change less frequently to get some experience playing between both hands. So, “tremolo” melodies. Then move to more ‘synced’ melodic patterns (still on one string) where there is one fretted note per pick stroke. Yngwie 6 note pattern, ascending/descend triplets, etc.
Once you are ready to change to different strings, you’ll have to be aware that this motion is capable of changing strings after downstrokes only as it’s a DSX motion. You’ll get stuck quickly if you try phrases that require only upstroke escape, or even mixed escape. That’s not to say you’ll never be able to play things like that, it’s just a further step down the road.
Also, I’d highly recommend submitting a technique critique directly on the platform. The forum is great, for sure. But if you do a critique directly on the platform you’re guaranteed to get feedback from Troy and his team. Let me know if you need more explanation there, but you’d access that from your “dashboard” near the bottom of the page and click that “TC Library” link:
Just click through and you should get guided on how to submit a critique. It’s part of your membership, so why not take advantage of it?
Also, we’ll wait to see what @Tom_Gilroy has to say about what you’ve submitted. If it’s different than what I say, trust his advice over mine lol! I’m just attempting to give the same advice I’ve seen Troy and Tommo give others that have submitted tremolos that look similar to yours.