Thanks for giving this a shot. The top four strings sound good. The bottom two strings some of the notes sound like they might be dropping out. You might try those again and see if you can get every note to ring out.
It’s hard to evaluate this with typical phone / camera mics because they use auto-gain and that amps up even the quiet stuff. But in general you want to find the sweet spot where you get the most loudness with the least physical push. You’re not going for “loud” all the time, you just using level as a test for when you’ve found the point of minimal effort.
Also, tone-wise, hard to tell here but to get the right treble/bass balance, you want a heavier gauge pick with lower-degree edge-picking. I don’t know what you’re using here but using more than just a touch of edge picking may make you quieter and more bass-leaning than you want to be for the given amount that you’re pushing.
Reason being that if you’re using a pick that’s heavy, 1.2-1.3mm or more, and has a rounded-over edge profile, you’re basically already getting an edge picking effect even when you play flatter against the string. If you try that with a thin celluloid or nylon pick, it’s all treble and no bass. If you do it with something thicker like a Bluechip in the 40 to 55 range, or a Dunlop Primetone 1.4-1.5mm, you’re getting the edge picking effect.
When David showed up he had some kind of custom one-off pick, he didn’t say who made it. But it was basically identical in size and material to the Bluechip and Primetones that we have here. David plays low-degree edge and a little back from the sound hole. That’s the Grier sound: treble sparkle but still enough bass to sound balanced. And again, you get it with a heavy gauge pick, slightly rounded edge profile (with or without speed bevel - his had one), low-degree edge picking, back off the sound hole a bit. Judge by ear until you have the mix of treble and bass you want. This is why David sounds the same on pretty much every guitar he plays — that, and the note / phrase choice, obviously.
Edit: What I’m getting at is that your approach angle is higher and that’s giving you more edge picking. Long story short, try a little lower approach angle and you’ll have less edge picking. Look at these Jake / Bryan clips for reference. If you’re using a thin pick, then a lower approach angle might be too bright, so try a heavier pick with the geometry above. Then you’ll have brightness and loudness these players get.